Tuesday, January 6, 2015

If Texas wants an official state hat, we also deserve an official state jackass.

While I spend the balance of my week hacking away at the World’s Largest Meatloaf I’d also like to address a momentous news story belching forth today from the heart of the Lone Star State. Specifically, a local lawmaker has filed a bill to make cowboy hats THE OFFICIAL STATE HAT. State Representative Marsha Farney, a Republican from Burnet, Texas, filed the bill on Monday.

Farney’s resolution cites the significance of cowboy hats in Texas’ history plus the fact that seeing grown men dressed up for Halloween a cowboy makes foreigners and tourists think of Texas. The resolution says, “The cowboy hat symbolizes both the state’s iconic western culture and the uniqueness of its residents, and it is indeed appropriate that this stylish and dignified apparel receive special legislative recognition.” I don’t know what”s so “stylish and dignified” about a cowboy hat. The only people who still wear them are Mexican landscapers.
It actually makes perfect sense that the Texas student council legislature would waste its time and money on bullshit like official hats, as this is the same crowd that passed Rick Perry’s landmark “Merry Christmas Law” in 2013 to prevent the persecution and torture of Christian children who want to eat candy canes in public school. Because LIBERTY! SANTA! YEE-HAW!

In the photo below Governor and Mrs. Smartglasses celebrate signing the Merry Christmas Law with a Santa who looks enough like Sheriff Joe Arpaio (see inset) to scare the living shit out of ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY.

But wait ... there’s more! According to breaking news on CNN.com, perennially-tinted John Boehner was reelected today as Speaker of the House, defeating a number of highly-qualified challengers that included ignoramus conspiracy theorist and stand-up comic Louie Gohmert (R-TX), leader of the Texas Y’all Qaeda.

Want to see a genuine asshole in action? Check out what poor Anderson Cooper had to endure in the following video. Gohmert isn’t just stupid, he’s also rude, loud and obnoxious: THE HOLY TRINITY OF TEXAS POLITICS.

This makes me so proud to be a naturalized Texan! Thank you for your support.

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