I smashed another toe.

Just 13 days since my last toe disaster [see post] I did it again, people. Tonight on my way to the kitchen for a cup of sugar-free lemon-lime Jell-O I whacked the big toe on my right foot against the leg of our new coffee table, and BLAMMO ... blood all over the place. Sam came to my rescue with a bandage and I spent the next two hours on the chaise with my foot propped up because it hurt like hell. I’M FED UP WITH ALL THIS LOUSY TOE SHIT AND IT HAS TO STOP. Thank you for putting up with me.

It’s time once again for a detailed update from our I’ll Bet I Get Better Email Than You Do department! Here are the latest messages in my in-box.

• Take 20% off my next order of sugar-free Amber Lyn Chocolates. This is a really good idea but maybe I should finish my Russell Stover marshmallow pumpkins first.
• Deferred billing — don’t pay for 90 days! — on cheesy Christmas decorations, a three-quart cast iron pot or oversized itchy blankets from Brylane Home. Hell no.
• The KC Kosher Co-Op has some exciting specials in time for their November 10 delivery in Dallas: Mehadrin 4% Cottage Cheese, Dr. Praeger’s Breaded Fish Fillets, Manischewitz Applesauce and Of Tov Chick-licious Chicken Breast Nuggets. Oy! No braunschweiger?
• A 15% off coupon from Overstock.com because they think I should buy more shit. I already have plenty of shit, but thanks for asking. 
• Wal-Mart shipped my Charmin toilet paper order for arrival on October 21. I hope we can wait that long. We’re rationing squares.
• Just in time for my birthday Comic Craft is introducing A FANTASTIC BRAND NEW COMIC BOOK FONT — “Extra Extra” — only $49 for SEVEN STYLES (Regular, Italic, Bold, Bold Italic, Heavy, Heavy Italic and Engraved). I need this one. I need it BAD. 
• The National Mustard Museum thinks I should try Plochman’s Stone Ground Mustard. Plochman’s makes a stone ground mustard? Who knew? 
• Welcome to Badoo, another dumbass social media website. Apparently 3,446 people in my area want to see what I look like so I’m supposed to upload a picture and connect with my “friends.” Newsflash: I have no friends and you can go suck an egg. 
• I’m invited to a father & son pancake breakfast hosted by the mayor of Dallas and the National Network to End Domestic Violence. I’m not a father, I don’t have a son, but I wouldn’t mind a few free pancakes if you’d like to swing by afterwards.
  

I should to go to bed now. It’s after 3 a.m. and I’ve got a jam-packed Monday agenda that includes all of the following activities: 1) printing a Costco shopping list for Sam; 2) two loads of laundry; 3) tracking down my Amitriptylene prescription refill at Wal-Mart (it should have been ready on Saturday); and 4) calling our tech dude in Garland to come over and replace the projection lamp in our Sony TV because it’s getting ready to burn out. That last item is so critical I might have a stroke.

Night-night.