Saturday, August 9, 2014

Holy crap, people. You do not want to sneeze at cellulitis.

Do you ever research your medical symptoms online like the rest of us stupid mortals? Be careful what you look for ... YOU MIGHT FIND OUT YOU REALLY HAVE IT.

When Sam and I went to bed a couple of hours ago I couldn’t fall asleep due to a nagging frantic fear that something is still seriously wrong with me. I’m sure you remember the shitty mystery fever that sent me to Baylor Hospital’s E.R. last Sunday, right? The hospital couldn’t pinpoint the cause of the fever because they suspected the cause might not have manifested itself yet ... AND THEY WERE RIGHT. Three days later (on Wednesday) Sam noticed a rash of strange insect bites above my left knee even though I haven’t spent any time outdoors since my second year of college, and now, today, a large area of my left thigh feels warm and sore to the touch. Combine all these weird and strangely-unrelated symptoms — fever, insect bites, rash, sore leg — and you know what you get? According to the Mayo Clinic’s handy-dandy middle-of-the-night nightmare-inducing website, it’s CELLULITIS. Holy crap, people. You do NOT want to sneeze at cellulitis, so I’ll have to call Dr. M’s office first thing Monday and make an appointment to see her right away.

As long as I’m discussing scary shit I’d like to introduce you to Victoria Wild, the self-proclaimed “sexiest girl in Balkan state” with a public relations representative named “Phil” who emailed the following press release to my favorite gossip/news website,

Celebrity news about famous model VICTORIA WILD. Victoria is famous Latvian model, this year become sexiest girl in Baltic state. If you interest more photos, information, interview with Victoria and her story, please feel free to ask.

She can be very interesting for magazine readers, in Latvia she become famous wit her big size breasts and all publications become a top story. Victoria is ready talk about all her beauty secrets, plastic surgeries, her secret diet and etc. I can give you all exclusive information. Victoria still not give interview for your country press.

This is fresh story, Victoria was invited on many TV and done reportage for Lithuanian TV about her lifestyle.

Here are two pictures of Victoria. Is it my imagination, or does her mouth looks like a cow vagina? (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)
And here’s Victoria performing one of her famous “beauty secrets.”

My work here is done for tonight and I think I should go back to bed now. Thank you for reading this. Tell your friends.

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