Thursday, July 31, 2014

An excellent Thursday. Fantastic news, fantastic movies and fantastic leftovers.

I’ve got so much FANTASTIC NEWS today I almost don’t know where to start! Maybe I’ll break it all down into separate little paragraphs for you with neatly-typed headings and illustrations whenever available and/or appropriate. Thank you.

You can subscribe to Sarah Palin’s new internet channel for only $99.95 a year. Shouldn’t bullshit be free?

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday, and to explain my unexpected absence I’d like to offer three excellent excuses as to WHY: 1) I didn’t really feel like it; 2) I increased my regular afternoon nap by two hours; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. I realize these are lame reasons but you’ll probably get over it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Tuesday’s deliveries and a shitty mystery fever.

As if a crippled heel, a crippled knee and a crippled hand aren’t enough ... I also just discovered I’ve got a SHITTY MYSTERY FEVER, which might explain why I’m also feeling lousy, clammy, achy and limp. I woke up a few minutes ago — it’s 4 a.m. — for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure, and if all goes well I’ll probably head back to bed very soon because lying down always feels better than sitting at a desk sucking TicTacs when a person has a fever.

Monday, July 28, 2014

I wish I had some good drugs or at least a pizza with extra pepperoni.

Hey. I’ve been wanting to do a dorky Howdygram post like this for a really long time, and here it is ... an amazing collection of “then & now” photos of popular TV child stars from the 1950s and early 1960s. Trust me, people, you have to be more than 60 years old to remember a few of these names and faces. Enjoy, okay?

Curt Clawson, the Tea Party’s new congressman from Florida, has the brains of a gnat.

I’m suffering from another bout of insomnia tonight, this time due to severe pain in my right knee and not being able to get comfortable in bed ... or anywhere else, for that matter. I don’t know what’s going on but I hope to hell it subsides SOON or I’ll have to blow somebody’s brains out.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

I love my memory foam slippers for shitty swollen feet.

Hello, people. It’s me! You may be pleased to know that I’m feeling better today — finally! — and I can thank the therapeutic memory foam slippers I bought last winter from FootSmart that accommodate shitty swollen feet with intense heel pain. As a matter of fact, they’re on sale RIGHT THIS MINUTE for about $12 [click here] and come in a bunch of nice colors. I’ll be glad to wait if you want to go shopping for a few minutes.

God bless Sam, food and Turner Classic Movies.

I didn’t have a very good day on Saturday due to a shitload of chronic pain issues. I can’t put any weight whatsoever on my left heel (plantar fasciitis), which throws my gait out of whack, quadruples the sharp pain in my knees and joints (arthritis), puts extra pressure on my crippled right hand (diabetic neuropathy) from leaning too hard on my cane, increases the muscle fatigue in my legs, and makes me simultaneously crabby, sad, pissed off, pathetic, emotionally drained and hungry. I AM ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE. But in the meantime God bless Sam (he has the patience of a saint), food and Turner Classic Movies. Seriously.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Let’s all donate to the Detroit Water Project.

Sam is asleep and I’m NOT, mostly because I’m thirsty and not very tired, so I thought I’d hang out in the study for a while to be near the Howdygram.

Friday, July 25, 2014

As of last night Sam and I are officially having That Discussion again. Power scooters.

Hi, people. I don’t know if you just didn’t give a crap about this or if nobody wanted to win a tin of emergency underpants, so here’s the answer to my “Do You Know Who This Is” photo from yesterday morning’s Howdygram post. Better luck next time, okay?

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Celebrating the good things in life: a Thursday shopping spree, grilled cheese and Sam.

Hey. How’s Thursday treating you so far? Mine has been peculiar, rewarding, thrilling, highly eventful and annoying for all of the reasons listed below.

Emergency underpants and Hanukkah suggestions.

In case you’re interested in buying me some useful presents this year for Hanukkah I’d be very pleased to receive new knees, new feet and a new pancreas due to arthritis, peripheral neuropathy and diabetes, respectively. The first day of Hanukkah is December 16 so there’s more than enough time to start Googling replacement body parts. (Amazon would have the best prices but I don’t know if they carry knees.) Thank you in advance for your generosity.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I can’t eat dinner until the crowd in my bathroom goes home.

It’s 5:30 Wednesday afternoon and Clayton has been here for four hours with a couple of his grout people ripping apart the shower in our master bathroom — for the 11th time in four months — to install a new shower door latch, recaulk the frame, and replace and paint the baseboards due to all their previous work turning out like total shit. Unfortunately I just found out that the shower will be off limits for 48 hours while the caulk “sets,” and that’s a hugely unwelcome twist since I can’t step into the shower in our guest bathroom with my crappy knees and mobility problems. I WANT TO SLAP SOMEBODY. I also want a nap and dinner but I don’t think I should do that until the crowd in my bathroom goes home. What a life.

A tale of three douchebags.

As I write this post I’m waiting for Sam to call me from Costco so I can ride up and down the food aisles with him and review the shelves on Face Time. I haven’t been to Costco since forever and I don’t even know what they sell any more aside from the usual stuff we buy every week out of habit, including: 1) teeny tacos; 2) breakfast burritos; 3) a giant sack of pistachios; 4) multi-color tortellini pasta salad with salami chunks for Sam; and 5) once in a while lox. Today might be different if I see something new and thrilling that I’d like to try. For instance, with REALLY BIG SHRIMP in it. Because who doesn’t love really big shrimp?

Convenience products can prevent hysterics in the kitchen due to not being able to stand at the stove.

I’m officially mad about a thing, people. YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME. Last night I discovered — COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT — that Libby’s makes tuna-style pouches of COOKED AND SEASONED CRUMBLY GROUND BEEF that are shelf-stable, very cheap (only $1.98) and intensely popular with savvy senior citizen reviewers on the interwebs. WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I just ordered a bunch of them from Wal-Mart plus three cans of Manwich to make up for lost time.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Gigantic national recall of contaminated fruit means we all need to eat more Cheetos.

I am not myself today. Except ... if I’m not me, who the hell am I? Around 9:30 this morning I started feeling weird, sad and needy, almost like I wanted to park myself on the sofa right next to Sam and hold his hand all day even though this activity is clearly NOT POSSIBLE due to: 1) nobody can eat lunch that way; 2) Sam goes to work at 1:15; and 3) my hands hurt.

TCM’s all-day tribute to James Garner is Monday, July 28.

Hi. It’s almost 3 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. I don’t know why, really, because I’m feeling pretty good, my knees don’t hurt, my feet aren’t spazzy due to diabetic neuropathy and Howdygram headquarters is cool, quiet and very conducive to sleep. Except, as usual, I’M WIDE AWAKE. So I’ll just hang out here with you for a while. This is your lucky day, people, even though technically it’s still the middle of the night.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Rick Perry tries to look Very Very Presidential by announcing some serious new bullshit, even for Texas.

I know this might be hard to believe, but I was hoping to get through a whole seven days without Rick Perry doing something so mind-numbingly stupid that he wouldn’t bump other worthy candidates for the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week award. I was wrong, everybody. Governor Hairdo is THE WORST.

Here’s what’s coming up this week: grout people and no teeny cans of ham.

Hi, people! I do NOT plan to discuss my ongoing issues with insomnia this morning due to it happening so often it’s not news any more and you’re probably as sick of this subject as I am. Therefore we’ll discuss what’s coming up in the week ahead here at Howdygram headquarters. This will be a full one for me with SO MANY EXCITING ACTIVITIES! These include: 1) a visit from Clayton, leader of the grout people; 2) a box of crap from Amazon; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. I’ll expand items 1 and 2 below. Thank you.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Senator Lindsey Graham wants to bomb everybody for freedom, liberty and Jesus.

I’ll begin this post with a really scary statement: I HAD NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT. None whatsoever. Sam and I stayed up late to watch Rendezvous (1935) starring William Powell and Rosalind Russell, went to bed at 3, and about 15 minutes later I jumped up due to my lousy spazzy neuropathy feet — I HATE DIABETES! — and parked myself in the study to Google the interwebs for a wide variety of Very Important Shit, which included: 1) what year were elevators invented; 2) are any of the 12 original Gilbreth children from Cheaper by the Dozen still alive; and 3) how long were Al Jolson and Ruby Keeler married. Because inquiring minds want to know ... and what else would an insomniac do at 5 a.m., am I right?

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Jose Antonio Fernandez is A Idiot with no leg to stand on.

Sometimes life doesn’t work out exactly as you expected. Instead of watching Lawrence of Arabia (1962) during dinner tonight Sam requested Captain Blood (1935) starring Errol Flynn, Olivia de Havilland and Basil Rathbone. I didn’t mind. By now I’m sure everybody knows I’ll watch Errol Flynn in damn near ANYTHING.

There’s a cattle ranch across the street from CVS. It’s like getting a free floor show.

SATURDAY, 9:50 A.M. I’m here to write a Howdygram post, but to tell you the truth I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay awake. I woke up this morning at 6:30 after slightly more than three hours of sleep (not enough!), and although I was wide awake at the time I’m definitely fading FAST. I’m thinking a nice long snooze in the family room with a couple of my favorite nap movies would be awfully damn perfect. I briefly considered letting you vote for any two of the following titles but I don’t feel much like horsing around with that right now. Regardless, here’s the short list of my current favorite napping movies.

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Howdygram proudly adds “fuck” to its growing online vocabulary.

I don’t know whether you noticed or not, but this morning I finally liberated the Howdygram by officially diversifying my online vocabulary to include FUCK [see post, third paragraph] because it’s the coolest, most expressive word in the English language and I absolutely refuse to be stifled any more by my own pointless censorship. Therefore, please note that occasional, appropriately-placed fucks will appear in the Howdygram as needed from this point on and I thank you in advance for understanding.

Terrific canned meat and shockingly shitty midwestern recipes.

The lying sacks of poo at did it again. They predicted two days of severe thunderstorms and four to six inches of heavy rain here in the Dallas metro area that never materialized except for half an inch yesterday afternoon. An area just north of us, however, got slammed BIG TIME. I refer specifically to Valley View and Denton, where they got 12 inches of rain in five hours, and Interstate 35, roads, underpasses and city streets all look like the Colorado River. I’ll post a few flood pictures in case you give a crap. (Do you think we’re still technically having a drought?)

Meet Mike Vanderboegh: “patriot,” domestic terrorist and our latest Putz of the Week.

Hey! It’s 6:15 Friday morning, Sam is still asleep and I’ve got a brand new Putz of the Week for you ... and for a refreshing change of pace IT’S NOT RICK PERRY even though I’ve always got more than enough material to keep him in first place for practically forever.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Gravy is my new favorite food group.

So it’s late Thursday afternoon, it’s raining, and I just woke up from my second extended nap of the day due to not getting any sleep last night whatsoever (again). ZERO SLEEP. I’m not sure what’s going on, but somehow I managed to cheer myself up for a few minutes by spending a large sum of dough for the following fine merchandise from Amazon.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A pair of perfect Einsteins.

I love the smell of Einsteins in the morning, and I’ve got TWO of ’em for you today, people, because sometimes great things come in pairs! I’ll post them for you now while Sam is on his way to Wal-Mart to buy me a box of insulin syringes. Grab a bagel and get comfortable, okay?

A middle-of-the-night kvetch report.

I haven’t bothered with a full-on kvetch report for quite some time so I’m definitely overdue for this one. My biggest issue right now? I’M NOT SLEEPING AT NIGHT. I get tired when I’m supposed to and go to bed the same time as Sam ... but I just don’t fall asleep due to neuropathy pain in my feet, aching legs, shitty knees and I always feel HOT. After thrashing around for an hour I finally shuffle into the study and end up online reading crap news about right-wing douchebags — so many douchebags, so little time — and watch kitten videos on YouTube. A sample kitten video appears below.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My shitload of exciting Tuesday news bulletins plus a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve got a shitload of exciting news bulletins to share with you. So many, in fact, that I almost don’t know where to start!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Bon soir and happy Bastille Day!

Meet Leonard Mudie, the evil judge who sentenced Errol Flynn to hang in “Captain Blood.”

Hi, people. Because I don’t have anything substantial on the agenda today here’s some miscellaneous unrelated baloney for your possible interest. Thank you.

Rick Perry’s humanitarian response to refugee children? The National Guard and armed militiamen.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning — is 3 a.m. “wee” enough for you? — and since I can’t fall asleep I’ve decided to hang out here with you and write another post about Governor Rick Perry, the Lone Star State’s chief executive embarrassment, who just won another Howdygram Putz of the Week award ... this time for his ongoing panic and confusion about Central American refugee children at the Texas border. In a shocking interview yesterday with Fox News, Perry said “the best response” to an estimated 50,000 women and children fleeing violence in their home countries is “a show of force. Their conversations are being monitored with calls back to Central America, and the message is ‘Hey, come on up here, everything is great, they’re taking care of us.’ And that needs to stop.” Holy mother of crap.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Canned bacon and some Sunday night TV recommendations.

As I prepare for a Sunday nap-a-thon that’s scheduled to begin within the next half-hour I thought I’d include this addendum to yesterday’s post about the joys of canned meat for senior citizens. Today’s happy Internet discovery is Pleasant Hill Grain, where a person can buy the same kind of products I recently found at Brinkman Farms — canned turkey! canned chicken! canned ground beef! — plus the added hysteria of real canned bacon. Yes, friends, I’m serious: PLEASANT HILL GRAIN SELLS BACON IN A CAN, and it’s cooked, ready to eat and costs only $13.49 for 52 slices rolled up in paper! Sam and I almost never eat bacon but I think we might have to give this exciting product a shot.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Tonight’s menu: Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl.

Mazel tov to me, everybody. I’ve done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING today not counting a McDonald’s Sausage McMuffin for breakfast followed by a six-hour nap in the family room. After I slept through two movies — Murder on a Honeymoon (1935) starring Edna May Oliver and Night Must Fall (1937) starring Robert Montgomery and Dame May Whitty — I shut off the damn TV altogether and remained unconscious in perfect silence until 4:20 in the afternoon.

Friday, July 11, 2014

I guess somebody pissed in Rick Perry’s Cheerios.

I’ve got a nice variety of interesting things lined up for this Howdygram post but I’d like to start with the most important. Thank you.

I FINALLY GOT RID OF THE PAIN IN MY HEAD. I had a nonstop headache for the last two days — even my EYEBALLS hurt! — that I’d been medicating furiously with Wal-Mart’s arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff, huge Marcytinis, a lot of extra naps and back-to-back William Powell movies. Thank God, when I woke up this afternoon at 2:30 THE POUNDING WAS FINALLY GONE and I was able to move on to my next interesting thing.

A happy Internet discovery ... canned meat for senior citizens!

Shalom, good morning, happy Friday and guess what I discovered by accident last night on the Internet: CANNED MEAT FOR SENIOR CITIZENS! Brinkman Farms sells big-ass 28-ounce cans of white meat turkey, chicken, chunky beef, ground beef and pork plus a couple of canned entrees and soups. I got so hysterical about real canned meat THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE ANY ACTUAL COOKING that Sam told me to go ahead and buy a bunch so we can try them. He didn’t have to tell me twice.

Thursday, July 10, 2014 is better than Hormel tamales.

I think somebody filled my head with concrete today when I wasn’t looking. It’s 4:30 Thursday afternoon and I woke up from my afternoon nap TWO HOURS AGO but still can’t focus, concentrate or stop wanting to go back to sleep. I tried to snap out of it by shopping for beautiful food (see examples below) online at Artizone but that only made things worse. Now I’m tired AND HUNGRY.

Marcy’s Law, Part B.

Show of hands. Anybody remember Marcy’s Law from my post back on June 25? Here’s a quick Thursday morning refresher just in case:

If something breaks and you order a replacement, the broken thing always starts working again ONLY after you’ve spent $59.99 plus tax online and Fry’s already shipped your fancy new 500GB Western Digital My Passport backup hard drive.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I’m confused about a thing. Why does everybody hate Wal-Mart?

I’m confused about a thing. Why does everybody hate Wal-Mart? I just saw an article on ripping the collective Walton family a new one for owning an inhuman empire, being rich, ruining America and abusing their workforce, and to prove its point Gawker printed letters from three thoroughly miserable former Wal-Mart employees.

Dead body alert.

I just read a news story that local law enforcement is asking for tips about the murder of a dead dude named Eddie who was found Monday night in a Dodge pickup at a strip mall on Town East Boulevard ... RIGHT HERE IN MESQUITE! Eddie was taken to Baylor University Medical Center where he was pronounced still dead. Witnesses saw an Einstein running from the scene, so if If you know anything concrete or just want to take a wild guess please call the Mesquite police at (972) 285-6336. Thank you.

Why I can’t sleep tonight. Four reasons.

Before I launch into the aforementioned four reasons — and they’re definitely worth waiting for, by the way — please allow me to begin with a big fat thank you for visiting the Howdygram at this ridiculous hour of the morning. So, THANK YOU. Now we can move on.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Three Einsteins for the price of one!

Hey, boys and girls, it’s time for a multi-Einstein edition of the Howdygram! For a limited time only you get THREE EINSTEINS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, so grab a popsicle and get comfortable, okay?

My outstanding Tuesday morning accomplishments.

In case you think I lead a boring life you’d be DEAD WRONG. It’s only 10:17 a.m. Tuesday morning and I’ve already accomplished all of the following: 1) sent Sam to Wal-Mart with a shopping list; 2) swallowed four pills; 3) added Green Giant whole mushrooms to my Amazon Subscribe & Save because a senior citizen can never have too many mushrooms; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Stop laughing. For those of you who may be interested here’s what I’m expecting this month in my Subscribe & Save order.

Monday, July 7, 2014

This is a big day because big things are happening here.

This is a BIG DAY at Howdygram headquarters because BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING HERE, and I’ll list them for you now in case you’re interested. Thank you.

Rick Perry is a lying, semi-literate punchline.

This might be the fastest repeat Putz of the Week in Howdygram history. On July 1 our honoree was Texas Governor Rick “Greasy-Palms” Perry, and it seems that our very own locally-grown pond scum has risen to the top yet again. (It must be that frontrunner hairdo or his new “I be smart” glasses.)

Sunday, July 6, 2014

“The Music Man” starts at 2:15 if anybody wants to come over.

Here’s the latest news bulletin from Club Meds. My blood sugar numbers have been creeping higher for the last few weeks but it never dawned on me how come until this morning at 3:45 when I got up for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure. My blood sugar is higher because the last time I saw Dr. M (back on May 29) she told me I could stop taking Glyburide, which I did, but also mentioned I’d probably have to inject extra insulin to make up for it, which I didn’t. Good grief, people. I forgot the EXTRA INSULIN part! Since I really don’t want to start horsing around with more insulin I’ve decided to start taking Glyburide again as of 7:45 this morning ... two teeny green tablets twice a day washed down with a tall Marcytini. I have enough on hand for two weeks and just ordered a 90-day refill from Wal-Mart. Glyburide tablets appear above left for your possible interest. (Not shown actual size.)

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Sorry, girls. He’s off the market.

I finally figured out why I spent the Fourth of July unconscious in the family room with chills, joint pain, pistachios and a blanket: I HAD A FEVER AND I FELT LIKE CRAP. (This was definitely my shortest kvetch report EVER. You’re welcome.)

Friday, July 4, 2014

Enjoying our holiday weekend. Naps rock.

I hope y’all are having a tasty and relaxing Fourth of July just like the skeleton crew here at Howdygram headquarters. The holiday began with our favorite Independence Day brunch (Sausage McMuffins) after which I immediately fell asleep in the family room for three hours. I barely remember seeing the first 90 seconds of Murder on a Bridle Path (1936) starring James Gleason and Helen Broderick. NAPS ROCK. (So far today I’ve taken four of them.)

Thursday, July 3, 2014

I want an extra toilet and I want it now.

I’ve got a bone to pick with Zillow. Their website insists that Howdygram headquarters has 2½ bathrooms ... but we DON’T. We moved into our house in 2007 and I’ve been looking for that damn half-bath for seven years. Speaking as a creaky senior citizen with incontinence issues I WANT AN EXTRA TOILET AND I WANT IT NOW. And since Zillow insists that it’s already here I think they should cough up the dough to pay for it. Thank you.

Everybody loves fun little whatnots.

Sam is on his way to Tom Thumb to pick up 50 two-liter bottles of back-ordered Coke Zero (don’t ask) while I hold down the proverbial fort here at Howdygram headquarters. To keep myself entertained in the meantime I just downloaded a few thrilling new FREE FONTS even though I swore I’d stop collecting the damn things last year after my hard drive had a nervous breakdown. Here they are for your possible interest.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The morons are winning, part two.

It’s almost 8 p.m., and while I ponder the intricate details of my next meal (dinner) I thought I’d churn out a speedy moron update to part of my last post in case you’d like to know how I’m holding up under the strain. (Thank you for giving a crap. I have a headache.)

The morons are winning.

I’m grieved to report that THE MORONS ARE WINNING, boys and girls, and our frustration level here at Howdygram headquarters is on high alert today. Please bear with me for a few minutes while I try to explain what’s (still) going on with the grout people, the glass people and Thank you in advance for putting up with me.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Once again, Rick “Greasy-Palms” Perry is the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week.

Sam is working late tonight so I think I’ll share a pent-up political rant since living in Texas can often make a person crazy, especially with the GOP clown car running the state. Once again I’m compelled to name Governor Rick “Greasy-Palms” Perry our official Putz of the Week — for maybe the millionth time — because today Governor Perry and his Republican lawmakers rejected a major bill proposing tougher fertilizer plant storage regulations in response to the explosion that leveled the town of West, Texas, in April 2013, killing 15, injuring 200 and causing more than $100 million in damage.

Introducing the Howdygram’s Top Ten List of Fun Activities for Housebound Senior Citizens.

This is your lucky day, people! Today is the first of July and I’ve just decided to post my new Top Ten List of Fun Activities for Housebound Senior Citizens, which appears below for your possible interest. I strongly recommend that you take notes because if you’re not a senior citizen yet you probably will be, eventually. So here goes.